Oh Jesus! - Let them Bang Already!

This gem of a story took place right near my hometown.  In fact he married my buddy's sister.  Not actually married - because that would upset the Holy Moly Himself. No - he was master of ceremony. 

Master of ceremony - not of his domain.  He  was definitely rushing through the vows trying decide which bag of chips he'll buy at the vending machine at the end of the hall at the Super8 in Nashua, NH after he throws a bunch of ones on some disease from Hampton Beach.

PRIEST NABBED IN PROSTITUTION STING CHELMSFORD -- A month ago, the Rev. William Ventura wrote about God's love for people despite their sins.
Yesterday, Ventura, the parochial vicar at St. John the Evangelist Church in Chelmsford, was one of eight men arrested in a prostitution sting at a Nashua hotel.
The operation last Friday night began after police spotted queries on Craigslist, the classified-ad Web site, seeking individuals looking to pay a female for sex.
All eight men face a charge of prostitution, a class A misdemeanor.
At booking, Ventura gave the address of the St. John rectory, 115 Middlesex St.
Ventura, 31, was immediately relieved of his priestly duties, according to a statement from the Archdiocese of Boston.  He voluntarily accepted a leave of absence, and is barred from public ministry.  He was released on bail Friday night. 

 Seriously though - he should be made an example of.  An example of WHAT to do.  

It wasn't a kid right?  At least this guy was looking for a female.  Even a dude woulda been fine - as long as he wasn't contradicting himself with one of those "Come Get Not-Gay" camps. 

The church should be busing in chicks left and right.  That way when people get into the confessional phone booth of secrets - they can follow up their confession with - "you know what I mean - she was like begging for it".  And the priest could say "Amen to that" - and mean it. 

My favorite line:

"I'm very, very shocked," said David Valentino, a parishioner at St. John's for 15 years. "But I guess nothing should surprise me in this day and age, with everything that's going on."

Yeah - ya know - the world has changed a lot.  This 'day and age' we live in where people like to bang and carry out their primal urges - it's crazy.  What next - an age of Darkness where trillions of people are killed?   

How fucking shocked can you be buddy?  The only shocking thing is that the guy didn't show up to a house in the burbs with a Fudgie the Whale ice cream cake.

(Oh Jesus) Vatican: Time to Start Reporting Rape

I've always been a fan of priorities.  So has the Catholic Church.  I dug up this list in the Vatican library.  This list is almost 750 years old according to the extremely accurate point of view of the Church.

Papal Priorities
1.  Teach about Adam and Eve and the talking demon snake.
2.  Inform future generations of the giant Animal Cruise-line 
3.  Enlighten the masses about God's Mutual Fund and the benefits of investing in Catholic Industries.
4. Counsel the masses and acquire all their secrets in a phone booth.
5. Mention casually in a memo not to bang little boys.

Vatican to bishops: follow law, report sex abuse

VATICAN CITY (AP) - The Vatican responded Monday to allegations that it had concealed years of clerical sex abuse by making it clear for the first time that bishops and other high-ranking clerics should report such crimes to police if required by law.

Victims have charged that the Catholic Church created what amounted to a conspiracy to cover up abuse by keeping allegations that priests raped and molested children secret and not reporting them to civil authorities.

The Vatican has insisted that it has long been the Catholic Church's policy for bishops, like all Christians, to obey civil laws. In a new guide for lay readers posted on its Web site, the Vatican explicitly spells out such a policy.

"Civil law concerning reporting of crimes to the appropriate authorities should always be followed," the Vatican guidelines said.

 In the immortal verbal tendencies of Bill.... 
"If you ________ - then I don't know what to tell ya...."

If you're buying into this shit - I don't know what to tell ya.  I mean seriously, this should make good with all the kids who's innocence and childhoods were destroyed by clinically insane pervs who gain societal respect for NOT banging broads and peddling guilt.

Let me ask this....


Where are all the "God hates fags" people now?  These are the same intellects who give 1/3 of their paycheck to the guy in costume touching their kids.  What's the matter?  You guys only have a problem with eccentric gays?  Those consensual bastards - having gay relations without force or the presence of a child!


And would you trust your kids with the 'Repent: The End is Near!" guy?  Then why would you trust your kid with the 'Repent: Leave your kids and money with me!" guy?

Oh Jesus!

Feds: Christian militia needed to be `taken down' 

DETROIT – It started inside a trailer home in rural Michigan, where a small family gathered before bed for prayer. Years later, the private devotions had evolved into a small militia of "Christian warriors" preparing to fight the Antichrist.

The changes in David Brian Stone's personal theology partly destroyed his marriage, his former wife says, and prosecutors claim they later led him to hatch a plot to kill police officers — a violent act the militia hoped would touch off an uprising against the government.

"The time had come that we needed to arrest them and take them down," U.S. Attorney Barbara McQuade said Tuesday in an interview with The Associated Press.

Prosecutors believe that Stone, 44, of Clayton, is the ringleader of the Hutaree militia, a name the group's Web site says they created to mean "Christian warrior." He was among eight members arrested during a series of weekend raids in three Midwestern states, which federal officials said they carried out after monitoring the group since last summer and learning they planned to launch their attack next month.

If you ever get a chance - read that book in the Bible where Jesus teaches his Apostles (militia) to raise arms.

I mean really - if you're a die hard Christian - shouldn't you just be forgiving the dudes effing with you?  With absolutely NO defense and certainly no offense.

Here are my two favorite parts:

"David would preach out of the Bible," said Donna Stone, who said she was married to David Brian Stone for about six years. "He would start at the beginning of Genesis and go to Revelations. He didn't get into Revelations because we didn't agree on it. David said it was supposed to be different. He had his own views. That's when I thought it was time for me to go."

 Uh - I'm going to go out on a limb and say that David's version of Revelations - that he didn't quite 'get into' - was that he WAS Revelations.  He was coming in to clean up for God like the Harvey Keitel as the Wolf in Pulp Fiction.

McQuade downplayed the role religious ideology played in the group's alleged plans, saying the "most troubling" finding of their investigation into the Hutaree were the details of their alleged plot. Prosecutors have said the militia planned to make a false 911 call, kill responding police officers and then use a bomb to kill many more at the funeral.

 David clearly thought if he killed a bunch of people in the name of Oh Jesus - he would then prompt the second coming - because honestly - who else is going to defend this guy in court besides  the forgive-meister - Jesus Christ.  Even the 30k/year state funded defense lawyers wouldn't take this.  It would have to take someone almighty.

Full article here